Translating Corporate Speak: Grab Bag Edition

by Mr Juggles

Corporate Speak: “No one in the marketplace knew how swiftly the housing market would fall — not the Federal Reserve, not the Treasury,” said Ted Eliopoulos, head of Calpers’s real-estate portfolio, in an interview.
Translation: I have just invested tons of money at the absolute top and lost 103% of what I put into the deals due to using recourse debt. I am a moron. I could not have predicted the housing market would fall. No one could have…other than Ron Paul, John Paulson, Robert Shiller, and Long or Short Capital.

Corporate Speak: “Could our margins go up? They could absolutely go up.” -CEO of Take-Two Interactive (NASDAQ: TTWO) on 12/16/08 conf call.

Translation: Have you noticed that we have lost money for the last four, seasonally strong holiday quarters? Our margins are definitely not going up.

Corporate Speak: “Moreover, I think we’re trying to emphasize that these times are indeed very uncertain. Without trying to sugar coat the story, because it’s not our nature. We feel really good about the position we’re in.” -CEO of TTWO
Translation: We are sugar coating our story and it is, in fact, our nature.

Corporate Speak: “I am qualified to be Senator of New York.” -Caroline Kennedy
Translation: My qualifications for this position include a fancy last name, not holding a full-time job, not holding any political office, and writing books for children. I am definitely not qualified to be Senator of New York.

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