We Are Not The Cephalopod’s Hecubus

by Johnny Debacle

Certain amongst us, specifically species-traitors at the New England Acquarium, are helping octopi enrich themselves in the fields of box survival and daytime infiltration.

Truman, a 7-foot-long, 30-pound octopus at the New England Aquarium squeezed his body into a 14-inch square acrylic box today in pursuit of food, aquarium officials said. The 30-minute performance drew a crowd of staff and guests.

The caretakers for the octopi at the aquarium place food inside locked boxes as an enrichment activity.

And rather than undoing the latch on the larger box, he squeezed his legs and large head through a two-inch hole in the larger box.

The grossest thing I have ever seen involved a cephalopod and a box but is not this picture

Recommendation: While this strengthens our long recommendation for the Cephalopod Index, don’t confuse our investment recommendation with any changes of species allegiance implied or otherwise. We refuse aid, comfort, and combat skills training to the enemipods out there.

Know that any object that has a 2 inch opening and is 12 square inches or larger (like a toilet bowl while you sit on it…), is one in which an octopus could be lurking, waiting for you, its tentacles ready to wrap you in seaweed and suck you into their razor sharp beak, a process known as “reverse sushi”.

HT Adam

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  1. jagorev
    March 9th, 2009 | 3:39 pm

    Not to mention that potentially any aquarium is a target for a cephalopod terrorist attack:


  2. March 10th, 2009 | 10:28 am

    I think the solution is clear: We must eliminate the ‘pods…

    …before they eliminate us.

  3. Pleb
    March 10th, 2009 | 2:59 pm

    I think it’s important that if we are going to be the cephalopods, we must be capable of thinking inside the 14-inch square acrylic box.

    When confronted with cephalopods in the past, I’ve always found that the best weapons are a sharp knife, a fork, some lemon juice, perhaps a little coctail sauce, and a nice white Bordeaux. Light breading also helps, and having a few extra napkins handy couldn’t hurt.

    In this manner I’ve defeated thousands of the little buggers. So don’t give up just yet. Cephalopods, Mmmmmmm… the tastiest enemy of all mankind!

  4. pedant
    March 11th, 2009 | 12:14 pm

    ‘Octopodes’ is the plural of the Greek work octopus. Octopi is fake Latin pretense. Kindly scourge yourself.