Citi’s New Financial Product: Reality Distortion Field

by Johnny Debacle

Citigroup (NYSE: C) announced first quarter fiscal earnings. The results were incredibly good and the stock has subsequently surged almost 10%. WSJ article on Citi’s Q1 release:

The loss of $5.11 billion, or $1.02 a share, was deeper than Wall Street had expected and took the bank’s total loss over the past two quarters to nearly $15 billion.

Citigroup’s first-quarter revenue plunged 48% to $13.22 billion amid the write-downs. Analysts polled by Thomson Financial had expected a loss of 95 cents a share on revenue of $12.77 billion. A year ago, Citigroup reported net income of $5.01 billion.

They also announced, via brain-wave subversion transmitters, that they have developed a Reality Distortion Field, a device long-rumored to have been in the possession of Steve Jobs but which has only actually been developed and effectively utilized by Citi.

Recommendation: If you can get the financing to buy a large truck, which may be difficult since no banks are lending money to anyone at the moment (but don’t worry, their future results will still be killer because the business of banks is not actually the loaning of money to people and stocks don’t consist solely of a company’s future earnings), we recommend backing that truck right up to the biggest pile of Citi stock you can find. The Write-Down Rally has been one-upped by the Write-Down AND Miss Expectations Rally.

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