Long Chilean Cocaine Producers

by User Submitted

Submitted by user The Paleofish

Conventional wisdom has held that the transportation of narcotics requires a suitcase for the purposes of concealment and convenience of carriage. Today we learn that Chilean innovators have thrown convention out the window and created suitcases made entirely of cocaine. Moviegoers and cocaine enthusiasts know that this was basically the plot of Traffic (spoiler alert!).

The benefits of this innovation will trickle down to all of us in myriad ways. Cocaine prices should drop as cocaine trafficking efficiency increases. Instead of carrying merely the cocaine they could fit into a suitcase, they carry that much PLUS the suitcase itself all in one trip! And for vacationing miniballers who agonize over the decision of “clothes or cocaine” when packing for their destination of chioce, they can just bring both in their cocaine case with the addeded benefit of being safe from Johnny law.

I know I’ll sleep easier tonight. What’s next, making people out of cocaine?

Recommendation: Long Chilean cocaine producers; short Bolivia and Bolivian pride; long chile (because it’s delicious).

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POSTED: 06/5/09 8:00 AM
Comment (145)


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Comments

  1. slovenly
    June 5th, 2009 | 11:06 am

    “Traffic”? How about credit to Cheech and Chong (Up in smoke). I know it wasn’t cocaine, but they were the early adopters of the technology and provided proof of concept.

  2. Anal_yst
    June 5th, 2009 | 12:13 pm

    Related effort was attempted back in Brooklyn in the late 1980’s, fusing coke into fur coats.

    Unfortunately, the scam was broken up by the zealous son of a deceased police officer, as related in the underrated 2007 film, “We Own the Night”

  3. Anal_yst
    June 5th, 2009 | 12:14 pm

    well, that didn’t work out properly, someone go replace that “)” with a “>” kthnxbye

  4. Bean Counter
    June 5th, 2009 | 12:50 pm

    Also be sure to short the Bolivian Navy

  5. Johnny Debacle
    June 5th, 2009 | 2:28 pm

    Underrated? I haven’t seen it, but it was trash if it’s anything like everything else James Gray has made. Here is the gist of his work.

    Setting: NY, a shitty non-Manhattan burrough
    Characters: Related to one another, also they have a grim depressing outlook on life
    Plot: Everyone gets depressed, some people die
    Theme: Life is awful, bleak and urban

    His films offer the viewer ennui and little else. Empty soporific shells of depression. Other than that, they are fantastic.

    GRRRR

  6. Anal_yst
    June 7th, 2009 | 10:26 pm

    @ JD

    That’s about it, +/- a few minor details.