Long Dick, Short Penis

by Johnny Debacle

This was erected in honor of a great manI was getting into a cab and I may (or may not) have cut in front of a man who hitching for a ride. He said, and I quote, “You penis.” I was taken aback. I know myself. I am self-aware and I, anonymous other man in the city, I am no penis. I am a dick. So I said, without missing a beat, “I’m not a penis, I’m a dick. Get it straight.” Now put aside questions about how likely it is that my wit is that quick, sharp and nuanced. Focus on my package. Dick vs penis.

To be a “dick” is not always bad. Certain situations call for it. Waiting in lines requires it, whether those lines be traffic, or for takeout or taxis. Getting your best possible deal on a car? Dickhood is a must for the circumspect auto-shopper. Attractive female assets? The dick status is practically a down payment on fantastic strange. Sure, you don’t want your friends or loved one to think you are always a dick, but at the end of the day, a dick is more likely to have a great res at fantastic restaurant with a sexy broad on his arm than a Schmoe.

On the other (left) hand, a “penis” is irredeemably lame, a flaccid creature that brings none of the good qualities of a dick to the table while retaining most of the bad. A penis is immature and ineffectual but nonetheless a douchebag. A dick is aware of what it is, a penis thinks it is a dick and thus is an erroneous prick. “That guy over there with the double popped collars, he is such a penis.”

Recommendation: Long dick, short penis. From an insulting investment perspective, we’d be long “penis” as it should generate higher insult effectiveness returns. As an example, insulting someone with a “penis” can prompt them to onanistically wax for almost 300 words on the internet.

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