Long or Short Capital

Reader The Paleofish sent in a link to Hugo Chavez in action, sticking it to uppity hotels.

Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez has said he seized the landmark Hilton hotel on Margarita Island because its owners dared to impose conditions on its use by his government to host a summit there last month.

“To hold the conference we had to ask for permission… and the owners tried to impose conditions on the revolutionary government. No way,” said Chavez.

“So I said, ‘Let’s expropriate it.’ And now it’s been expropriate

The hotel was a Hilton, the second Hilton to be seized by Hugo Chavez. How does this affect your portfolio? Quoting myself, something I love to do, this was our first piece on Piratery:

But setting up a lair in a place like Isla Margarita, located off the northern coast of Venenzuela, would be an environment with relatively low piratery penetration but proximity to major cruiseline and OPEC oil routes. An added bonus, Isla Margarita is where non-pirate berserker Lope de Aguirre reached his crescendo.

Revisiting this recommendation, we would downgrade Isla Margarita to “Not a good place to set up a pirate lair” due to the Venezuelan government’s growing presence in the quasi-legal seizure business.

Have you heard the news? Garmin’s (NASDAQ: GRMN) new nuvifone is new?

Recommendation: Short Garmin. It may be my irrational fear of oomlats, my hate of redundancy in advertising or my rational fear of combo devices, but any company that is working all three of these angles, isn’t a company worth a damn. If they had changed the name to “noovifone” they may have had a hit.

I’ve spent a lot of time recently on a boat. Later on, I was on a dolphin doing flips and shit, but mostly I’ve been on a boat. And all I could think as I idly sailed about was:

“People call this a sport? Raping mother nature’s winds for your own pleasure? Hundreds of feet from your competitors, who like you, are wearing dock shoes, and Nantucket reds and have the complexion of snow. Where is the sport in that? And what is that Somali looking man doing with that RPG?”

Sailing needs something. It needs conflict. It needs physicality. It needs to be more impactful. It needs to feature boarding and grappling hooks.

When Black Beard did the first America’s Cup race back in 17whateverthehell, they didn’t race each other in boats that cost tens of millions dollars, helmed and manned by sons of privilege. They fought each other to death in pilfered pinnaces, helmed and manned solely by maroons and sons of bitches. Race? The only race was to see how long you could survive, and how much whoring and pillaging you’d take down before death.

So obviously things are different. And that’s why sailing needs a sea change, three of them actually.

First things first, the aforementioned grappling and boarding is allowed in all sailing races. Let’s see how many Ted Turners are “courageous” when they face the chance of being gutted from groin to gill by an Australian ex-con named Roggie. As a bonus, this return to its classical roots would make sailing the world’s most popular spectator sport.

Second. All yacht clubs ban popped collars, people with names like Preston, and people rich enough to own a boat. Yacht club membership will remain an exclusive status, but the criteria for admittance will change. Instead of a blue blood test, there will be a red blood test. You have to have killed a man on the sea, justly, to become a full member. Junior membership will be bestowed upon anyone who has won a knife fight or bedded a mermaid.*

Third. Grappling and boarding is also legal at any point on the sea. If you are a “boater” and you love being on the ocean, then you better be able to handle your business with a cutlass. Any boat seized after being boarded would then be lawful property of the seizers, the male crew would be subject to death or impressment, the female crew would be subject to slavery.

*Manatees do not count, regardless of how hot they look. I’ve heard all the hot manatee claims before, and that crap won’t fly with me.

Meeting rescheduled for 90min later on 10min notice.

IR contact: “Our leader needs to have a nap.”
MrJuggles: “Ummm…”
IR contact: “He usually naps until 3pm but since you have traveled so far he will meet you at 2pm.”
MrJuggles: “Thank you.”

• Are you gloomy this Friday? Well don't drink. Instead watch this: http://bit.ly/17MiTM Take time for your pleasure. And laugh with love. #
• Actually, drink too, it can't hurt. #

America will blow up the moon, we have the technology, the time is now, science can wait no longer, children are our future, America can, should, must, and WILL blow up the moon…And we’ll be doing it during a full moon so we make sure we get it all.

Quote from Mr. Show in 1996

I don’t mean to be that monkey, but why are we blowing up the moon? Has it come to this? I understand that this is a search for water but at $79 million, aren’t their cheaper local sources? Isn’t this the kind of thing that leads to more global warming? E.g. sourcing water from the moon and then shipping it here burns more fossil fuels than even bottled water, according to my model at least.

Recommendation: Short moon real estate. While it’s likely to benefit from increased scarcity, it’s also likely to be negatively impacted by being exploded.

A number of our investors have contacted us, asking us questions like:

• are you still alive?
• where are our dividends?
• have you stopped posting due to being brutally murdered?

The answer to all these questions is yes, yes and yes.

Or it’s that the stimulus is working but we have to respect our arrangement with the Blog Czar. If you missed the Abstract Investment Idea Investment and Recovery Act of 2009 (you did), you also missed that President Obama appointed a Blog Czar to oversee the compensation levels for authors of arcane and imaginary investment ideas. It’s only fair that compensation is regulated for these blogs given the staggering amounts of taxpayer money they have received from the federal government. Obviously, we at Long or Short have received far more than our share of the pseudo-real investment blog bailout. Again, it’s only fair.

We were also able to negotiate an agreement whereby we submit our commentary for regulation rather than our compensation. You see, if our compensation is regulated, we will no longer have incentive to research new, cutting edge fabrications for publication*. However, if our commentary is regulated, but we are still well-compensated, we will continue to be productive as ever, dreaming up incredible and illusory investment opportunities which we can then publish to the public. Unless, of course, the Blog Czar regulates our speech. Which he normally does, because if he didn’t, what would he really have to do? It’s only fair.

So, in summary, we are alive. We are still as inventive and imaginative and profitable as ever (moreso!). And we are excited to bring you all the commentary that isn’t regulated by the Czar (probably not much, to be honest) and to reap massive profits on that which is censored.

As you can see, it’s all quite fair.

* We will also be unable to contribute to the ruling party at the levels we would like to (if we are overly compensated).

More magic from Steve Wynn — slightly delayed due to our summer escapades — on his 2Q09 conference call.

The Administration is more of a problem than they are of a help usually, if you read the headlines. Everyone is frightened to death about runaway inflation if these deficits are allowed to take place. The good news is the Senate seems to be slowing it down.
But we can’t see where it’s good for business to have that debt as a percentage of GDP go from 30% to 60% or 70%. That sort of makes us an emerging country. But maybe wiser heads will prevail and some of the things that are on the table, these amazing misunderstandings of how the system works, will get slowed down in Washington.
Right now, we are more afraid of Washington that we are the economy. We’ve got people on our backs saying don’t go to Las Vegas, which is preposterous. And people are beginning to ignore this kind of bombastic rhetoric from the White House and from the Administration, and that is encouraging.

Translation: Politicians suck and are doing their best to destroy American business.

My own feeling is the government of Macau will protect and so will the central government of Beijing and the regional government in Juhai at Guangdong province, at Guangzhou. The government will do a very enlightened and thoughtful job of protecting the interest of the citizens and the business enterprises that support the health of those businesses.
In America, we have a government that has decided that anybody that creates jobs must be bad, that the job creators should have a target painted on their back. What a remarkable misunderstanding of how the United States of America works. I tell you that that is not the case in Macau, and it’s not the case in the People’s Republic of China. And maybe we could all learn a lesson by watching what happens there.

Translation: I currently prefer to do business in a People’s Republic than the USA.

I think that the Encore tower when it debuts in a few months is going to give people a really clear insight as to what we will do next, and the level at which we will be operating in China. It is a great place to do business — really wonderful. None of the anxiety that we have at the present time in America.
I have been self insuring my employees, up to 40,000 of them, for 40 years. And everything I am reading about Obamacare is a train wreck. And I say that as an insurer — a train wreck.

Translation: No, seriously, I prefer the communist country.

We put Beyonce in here on the toughest weekend other than December 19th of the year. We did it on purpose. This is — conventions and stuff like that start the first part of August. We picked a real trough in the traditional revenue seasons. And so she is a special event as opposed to an ongoing entertainment event. And a remarkable, and as I said, lovely, lovely lady.
…
I should tell you that we own the life rights to the Bee Gees. And we’re working on a show about that. Garth Brooks was here as a friend. He didn’t charge. That was just a buddy singing. As a matter of fact, Garth is going to be here tonight to watch Beyonce with his wife, with Trisha Yearwood, and his three daughters — going to sit with me.
And I think that Garth Brooks is a stay-at-home dad, and take his kids to school every morning — he really does actually take his children to school every single morning — an extraordinary fellow, really extraordinary.

Translation: Please allow me the luxury of dropping a few names to remind you that I am richer and having a more interesting life than you.

• http://www.statesman.com/news/content/news/stories/local/2009/09/18/0918lobb.html Pure awesome. #
• And question I had: why would a Federal judge be part of a groundbreaking ceremony? Did he give the project a sweet ruling or something? #

What motivates me? In a rare interview/sale, I give readers a glimpse into my soul in this Mr. Juggles public listing:

My name is Juggles, I belive it´s like so solely cause, ever since I was aware of my paws, I had all kinds of balls in my hands, spining them, throwing them in the air and doing all sorts of tricks with them! 🙂
At the moment I´m practising a special trick by balancing them stacked towerly like on top of my head … do you think I´ll be able to pull it off?!

Recommendation: No man and no woman can ever own me…unless they have $19 at their disposal.

Analyst Q: The commission cap agreement among the various operators. Sheldon, is there a method set up for enforcing that? And how do you expect it’ll affect your bottom line?

Sheldon Adelson, Las Vegas Sands (NYSE: LVS) Chairman: Well that’s a good question. There has been no when I was there, I committed to do it on the honor system. The breach of which will be reason to beat people up with a wet spaghetti noodle.

Translation: There is no way to enforce this collusive agreement among the local operators because this is China.

Analyst Q: Can I ask about the Sands on the peninsula? All of the revenue components are down, and yet your EBITDAR margin is up an impressive six points, and your EBITDAR is up 13%. How do you do that?
Sheldon Adelson, LVS Chairman:By cooking the books! Just kidding, just kidding. Mike, do you want to answer that?

Translation: I am the Chairman of a public company and I’m joking on a public conference call about cooking the books of a company that is probably cooking the books*. Draw your own conclusions.

*Our lawyers have advised us to note that, when saying that LVS is cooking the books, we don’t mean that in any kind of legal sense. We may mean that in a culinary sense and look forward to a 4th Quarter quiche.

Success seems to be connected to action. Successful people keep moving. They make mistakes, but they don’t quit.
-Conrad Hilton

Past Quotes Entirely Relevant to Investing

• A survey just asked what absolute return strategies do you recommend for the rest of the year, I said "Doing nothing" #

• A survey just asked what absolute return strategies do you recommend for the rest of the year, I said "Doing nothing" #