Science, Screw You

by Johnny Debacle

What the science.

In December, if all goes well, protons will start smashing together in an underground racetrack outside Geneva in a search for forces and particles that reigned during the first trillionth of a second of the Big Bang.

Obviously, Science has a different definition of “all goes well” than I do. Things not on my “all goes well” list:

  1. Dying in a fire
  2. Getting punched in my mini-ballers by a midget (think of the devastating angle they have on you)
  3. Being melted by toxic waste like that guy in Robocop

Don't worry this doesn't look scary at all

But that’s not even the part that really frustrates me. Previously there was a notion that Science had some measure of prudence and competency. But Science has evacuated its collective gourd. From the above linked article:

Then it will be time to test one of the most bizarre and revolutionary theories in science. I’m not talking about extra dimensions of space-time, dark matter or even black holes that eat the Earth. No, I’m talking about the notion that the troubled collider is being sabotaged by its own future. A pair of otherwise distinguished physicists have suggested that the hypothesized Higgs boson, which physicists hope to produce with the collider, might be so abhorrent to nature that its creation would ripple backward through time and stop the collider before it could make one, like a time traveler who goes back in time to kill his grandfather.

Which is worse:

  1. Science is speculating there are time-traveling protective fairy particles to save us from ourselves.
  2. Science is willing to admit that there is a chance that a “Higgs boson, which physicists hope to produce with the collider, might be so abhorrent to nature” that time-traveling protective fairy particles would come back to save us from ourselves.

Recommendation: Isn’t this the kind of thing that would give a reasonable person pause? Not Science dude, no Science just plans to plow through it and hope it all works out. Awesome. Science, before we get sucked into the vortex of unexistence, I’d like you to step into the ring with me, mano-a-scienco, I’m done with your shit man.

Math, you’re up next.

As an aside, we are still selling July 2008 End of the World Puts and September 2008 End of the World Puts. Although not technically in the money under conventional physics, with time-travel on the table they could still pay off.

Related Reseach:

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  1. To The Hilt
    October 27th, 2009 | 10:11 am

    Hilarious. Well done.

  2. John Bott
    October 27th, 2009 | 11:25 am

    Hey gang, you’re being distracted. This article suggests that the cephalopods have infiltrated the very center of power on this earth.

  3. Dead_Cat
    October 27th, 2009 | 2:15 pm

    Surely one of of the infra funds should totally buy this. It’s technically a transportation asset. With revenue derived from blackmailing major governments (still mostly AAA counterparties) not to destroy the universe.

    There has already been a similar opportunity in emerging markets, viz the Iranian nuclear ‘power generation’ facility. However that featured untenable political risk, specifically the Israeli air force.

    Long armageddon machines in OECD non-combatant jurisdictions. But you have to wait for the ostentation ban to lapse before buying the white cat.

  4. gold
    October 28th, 2009 | 7:22 am

    it is very funny keep it up

  5. Buffett McChartpuke
    October 30th, 2009 | 1:25 am

    Didn’t we read this before?

    Oh, wait…

  6. theGeneral
    October 30th, 2009 | 4:19 pm

    Supposedly the black holes created by this thing are going to be “commensurate to the size of the particles creating the black hole.” So mini-black holes lasting an infinitesimal amount of time.

    Sounds made up. I think we’ll all be crushed to an infinitesimal size in an infinitesimal moment.

  7. Dead_Cat
    November 2nd, 2009 | 12:05 pm

    A mini-hole with an event horizon the diameter of a proton is probably not that scary. But I don’t think they “last an infinitesimal amount of time”. You can’t unmake a black hole because you can’t destroy matter and you can’t pull anything back out of a black hole.

    Apparently, when those physicists mistakenly thought they’d discovered cold fusion, they immediately put out warnings not to pump hydrogen gas into palladium, as you might create a nuclear explosion. So of course, every physics department in the country immediately gets the largest lump of palladium they can find and pumps it full of hydrogen. They did it on the roof though, just in case…

    Anyway, I hereby launch my new fund Doomsday Device Partners Fund I LLC. This is a private equity-style product specifically focused on the acquisition and exploitation of doomsday devices. The fund will develop a diversified portfolio of doomsday devices, which may include particle accelerators, nuclear research and generation facilities, underground virus research laboratories and key religious artefacts. Nicolas Cage will be Chief Investment Officer and Milla Jovovich will be Chief Risk Officer.

  8. November 2nd, 2009 | 7:47 pm

    Hello from Russia!
    Can I quote a post “No teme” in your blog with the link to you?

  9. November 3rd, 2009 | 6:00 pm

    @Dead Cat

    We’re light years ahead of you, although we’re always looking for new and unexploited talent.


  10. Dead_Cat
    November 6th, 2009 | 10:29 am


    Yes but 007 knows where you live.