Stocks Stocks Stocks: Week in Review June 8th 2007

by Johnny Debacle

Everything you need to know about what happened in the stock market this week. The market moved 43 points on news of oil supply increasing or decreasing, important economic reports indicating things about the economy and housewives all flushing their toilet at the same time and causing a run on plumbing during the commercial breaks of the season finale of the Bachelor. That may all have happened two weeks ago, but if it did, the impact was felt on this week’s market.

Avaya (NYSE: AV): If a spin-off from a spin-off of Ma Bell goes private but no one knows what they did, does anyone really care except a bunch of deal measuring PE firms? Avaya is like that guy you know from state colleges (play along with me and pretend) who was a “communications major”. What the fuck is that? I don’t know man, I just don’t know. I think it’s the study of “Future Mortgage Broking.”
Market Impact 17

Krispy Kreme (NYSE: KKD): Donuts are delicious. But dough nuts are frightening. Consider yourself warned.
Market Impact -2

Chinese Stocks (SSE: SSE): All look the same to me.
Market impact 12

DynCorp (NYSE: DCP): Up 15% on news that they captured Saddam Hussein and/or Jason Mewes and fed them to Knut the cute polar bear cub, increasing their Q4 earnings a lot, approximately.
Market Impact 3

Dow Jones (NYSE: DJ) and News Corp (NYSE: NWS): When it comes to strippers A-Rod likes the she-male, muscular type. In this, instance, it’s unclear whether Rupert Murdoch is the petite stripper who spun around once for Bancroft-Rod and got rejected, or the she-male muscular type with whom Bancroft-Rod wants to text dirty.
Market Impact 8

NYSE (NYSE: NYX): The Stock Exchange sounds much more with it than the cumbersome and unmemorable The New York Stock Exchange. Why not go further, drop all vowels, throw in some umlauted e’s and become the mistress to a swanky London Banker. European pandering financial slut.
Market Impact -6

Gazprom (NYSE: OGZPF.PK): At the G8 summit Vladimir Putin said “Gazprom is Gas plus Prom, like high school dance but more gassy. I am DJ and I play songs that tell everyone that I control Gas so begin making dance, comrade.” George Bush responded with the comment “I don’t dance,” but he was later seen dancing. Stock rose 3% on this news.
Martet Impact 30

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