The Human Balrus

by Johnny Debacle

Baller Walrus = BalrusIs this mistress-laden man from the Qingdao incorporating the efficiency of the walrus and the manhood of a man, to become a human balrus? Yes.

A married Chinese businessman who could no longer afford five mistresses held a competition to decide which one to keep.

The women knew of one another, but none elected to break up with the man and give up their rent-free apartment and a 5,000 yuan ($730) monthly allowance, the reports said.

When the economy soured, the businessman apparently decided to let go of all but one mistress.

He staged a private talent show in May, without telling the women his intentions. An instructor from a local modeling agency judged the women on the way they looked, how they sang and how much alcohol they could hold, the Shanghai Daily said.

Our prior research into whether walruses are efficient provides insight into what led us to determine that the walrus is a balrus. Of note from that piece:

Males show off in the water for the females who view them from pack ice. Males compete with each other aggressively for this display-space; the winners in these fights breed with large numbers of females.

Each herd of estrous females is attended by one or more large adult males. According to one study, the ratio of males to females averaged 1 to 23

Recommendation: This man “Fan” has adapted many walrus traits, enough that he ought be properly classified as a human balrus. The appearance of this human balrus indicates that the human male population is reacting to the efficiency challenge that has been put forth by the walrus bull population. While the human balrus ratio achieved here was only 6:1 (wife + mistresses), Fan was able to show a more variable mistress structure that could provide the flexibility he needed to weather his sexual economic cycle, arguably an improvement to the walrus’s traditional binge/purge (or orgy/manfest, to be more apt) cycle.

HT to a million emailers and to Steve. Steve.

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  1. Pleb
    February 18th, 2009 | 12:31 pm

    Mistresses are like martinis. Having one is a lovely idea. Having six at a time is just asking for it.

  2. american bandersnatch
    February 18th, 2009 | 5:39 pm

    It is, you know, a sacrifice required for the future of the human race. I hasten to add that since each Balrus will be required to do prodigious… service along these lines, the women will have to be selected for their sexual characteristics which will have to be of a highly stimulating nature.

  3. February 19th, 2009 | 10:21 am

    I’m pretty sure this guy was just orchestrating the same contest every guy does in college several times a week, nothing to write home about.

  4. Pleb
    February 19th, 2009 | 1:18 pm

    Analy yst – was that something you dreamed up in B-school while you were studying stats?