Long or Short Capital

Dear ????????–

I write kindly in response to the email you sent me yesterday, which was as followed (translated from Japanese by Google’s “Human Translator Trapped in a Box” Service):

From: ????????
Date: 22 Feb 2006 22:22:50 +0900
Subject: ??????????
To: misterjuggles@gmail.com

Is association with the Serret Bu woman whom it selects how? It gets wet to getting wet and the ? woman who is sown anytime and being perfection free anywhere, it introduces. Abundant service just of the member such as neighboring searching * copying mail searching fully! Until agreement it goes, thoroughly it is distant the partner searching. The stewardess * nurse * model * SECRETARY * housewife and the like it is on the register in large quantities and the ? is. Thoroughly getting the partner of your ideal, please pass the hot night.

…

The ? where with just no charge register the reply reaches from the woman directly in your mail BOX

Yes, please send me further information about joining your yacht club; I look forward to wet to getting wet with all the other boating members, especially the ? woman.

Recommendation: Long “? ” and potentially “Serret Bu,” if you can find any paper. Continued Sector Outperform rating for scones.

No one can earn a million dollars honestly.

-William Jennings Bryan

I’ve added some of the comments listed for the Anti-Web 2.0 wiki and also an image. We’ll continue to update it as comments and trackback roll in. Check this anti-Web 2.0 Wiki out and add your own definitions, especially if they are in French or foreign languages and we can’t understand them.

Future additions will be in threes, as all bad things come in threes. Here is an explanation of Johnny’s Satan’s Portfolio Investing Thesis.

Rent-A-Center (ticker: RCII)

Rent-A-Center targets the least educated and poorest American demographics and sells them rapidly depreciating consumer goods via installment. Legally, they classify these layaway sales as “renting” to ease their regulatory burden and to ensure they can charge implied interest rates of mulitple hundred percent without being regulated or stopped. The tax treatment of depreciation also eases their tax burden. Screwing the government and the poor. Rent-A-Center is the BEST. True that. Double true!

Gazprom (ticker: OGZPF.PK)

As the saying goes “The Ukraine is Weak!” And that’s not all who is weak. Take a look at where Europe gets an irreplaceable amount of their oil. Russia may or may not be a place to fear, but 1) Satan has no fear and 2) his rule of thumb is that if he puts his money with Russian mafiosa and elected officials who are more evil than he is, than his money is likely to triple as peaking oil and regional scarcity give Gazprom real ultimate power.

Verizon (ticker: VZ)

This one is entirely personal. Verizon has screwed multiple members of this staff with such calling plans as “Nationwide Horrible Customer Service” and “The Dishonest Business Practice In Network” and my personal favorite the “Friends, Family and Fraudulent Charges Plan”. Verizon doesn’t screw customers to make a buck, or because it has to; Verizon screws customers because it wants to. What this means is that Verizon has a high EP ratio (Evil:Profit) which gives them substantial leverage as they ramp up profits. A clear buy signal.

Advice is judged by results, not by intentions.

-Cicero

On Blogshares.com. More details to follow but we will be marketing our IPO in due time. Prepare to have enough capital to be able to own a fictitious piece of us.

Months ago I got free business cards for longorshort.blogspot.com with the intention of some guerilla marketing. Never happened. So yesterday, I got around to doing something about it and and gave the guy who stands next to the guy who gives out free daily newspapers the stack of 200 business cards and offered to pay him $20 to hand them out to “every dude you see in a tie.” I made sure he was properly incentivized by letting him know that if this went well, I would be doing this every day next week.

Suffice to say the results weren’t great. The upward bound of the traffic it generated was 13 visits for 200 cards and $20. But it probably generated much fewer than that and I get the feeling that not a lot of people were even given the cards. It was the first time I felt like what it must be to be Vonage. Skyrocketing CPA!

Recommendation: Never outsource your customer acquisition efforts to the pseudo homeless. Also, always go short “the guy next to the guy”, and only expose your portfolio to an actual “the guy” position.

Mes amis! Regardez cette page ici régulièrement si vous voulez lire des articles financiels en francais mauvais. Cette page = “super cool”.

There is a limit to the application of democratic methods. You can inquire of all the passengers as to what type of car they like to ride in, but it is impossible to question them as to whether to apply the brakes when the train is at full speed and accident threatens.

-Leon Trotsky

So our last true sell out effort, was changing this page to show candy ads. It yielded proof that our readers hate chocolate, since our finance ads got far more clicks. Today’s effort won’t be about direct revenue generation, but merely direct whoring.

We urge you, our readers, to post a link to longorshortcapital.com wherever you have the capacity to do it. Be it a forum you are a part of, an illegal underground file trading network which you rip for, or a website you run, post a link to our site. Any link posted will get a reciprocal link if you email misterjuggles@gmail.com. If you have any qualms about doing it or fear shame, just ask yourself “What would Genghis Khan do?”

Think of it as an investment in your future. Or think of it as an investment in my third yacht.

Update:

• The New Market Machines [broken link now]
• FreeCashSpace
• ackfoo
• Going Private
  — This one could be killed by PE hitman any second
• Brain at Work

Creating value for our subscribers, that’s what we are all about. If we don’t get you with our content, we’ll instead reel you in with our dividends. Long or Short Capital is happy to announce our Q2’06 dividend of $1.50 per subscriberholder per our dividend policy. A subscriberstake is now worth $75, assuming no growth and an 8% discount rate. Assuming just a measly 5% annual growth in our dividend gets you to a value of $200 for a subscriberstake. How much does a subscriberstake cost? $0. We bring the value to you. Given our float of 85 subscriberstakes and the no growth assumption, our current capitalization is $6,735.

For subscribers who are uninterested in money (these people are known in common parlance as “complete morons”) we have financially engineered a payment-in-kind Class C subscriberstake. You forfeit the right to your dividend in exchange for a link to a non-pornographic site of your choice on our Dividend Policy permanent link page. So as our dividend policy is promoted, Class C subscriberholders’ sites will be promoted. We think that properly aligns incentives.

Who are your subscriberholders:

Email and XML subscribers as of the given quarter’s end. These are the only readers we can reliably verify and who will be eligible for a given quarter’s dividend. Additionally, we feel that they are also the stickiest readers and we are big proponents of RSS usage. They have the largest stake in us.

How does a subscriber collect their Q2’06 dividend:

For Email Subscribers: by 2/16/05, Send an email to misterjuggles@gmail.com from your subscription email with your desired link or paypal address and we will send you $1.50. Cash money.

For XML subscribers: by 2/16/05, Send an email to misterjuggles@gmail.com with the “The Dividend Password” enclosed (you should have received an RSS post titled “The Dividend Password” a little over a week ago). Enclose either your Class C link or your paypal address and we will send you $1.50. Cash money.

All unused money will be reinvested back into the website.

What about your next quarterly dividend:

Our next quarterly dividend will be determined by the following formula. The lesser of $1.50 per subscriberholder or 80% of revenue, divided by the number of subscriberholders at the end of the given quarter. The latter formula would have yielded a $1.82 dividend for Q2’06, so the $1.50 dividend has quite a bit of cushion.

We will also revise up the dividend if our revenue per a subscriber improves, which we have already done from our original $1.00 dividend in Q1’06; we will never revise down or suspend the dividend without a proxy vote of registered subscriberholders.

Why are you doing this:

1. We are the first and only site to issue a dividend.
2. This dividend cements our place among the elite internet companies. Please note that our quarterly dividend will be larger than that of Yahoo, eBay, and Google combined.
3. Since your subscriberholder stake cost you $0, the dividend yield on your investment is infinite, making Long or Short the best investment in the world.
4. It combines finance with the absurd.
5. It turns our subscribers into stakeholders and incents them to grow our revenues, by bringing in traffic or driving themselves to our sponsors. We believe proper incentives can solve any problem, from internet site readership to global poverty. Hence our support of the Grameen Foundation.
6. We obviously are not in this for the money so this is a much more appopriate use of the ad revenue.
7. Numerated lists are pretty sweet.

How do I become a subscriberholder:

Use the buttons and syndication links at the top right to subscribe via email or XML. We recommend the latter, since Feedburner helped us with this process and we are totally long them.

All other inquiries should be directed to misterjuggles@gmail.com. The management of Long or Short are proud to be economists, who are utilizing incentives, science and research to improve the lives of the rich.

A recent lawsuit (see more details here) accuses Apple (AAPL) of making a product, the iPod, so compelling and feature-filled that it is dangerous to its user. In this case, the accuser claims the iPod’s massive capacity for tasty tunes of tempting him to listen so often and so loudly that the inevitable result was hearing loss.

[Item] 30. Compounding this problem is the [iPod]’s capability to store and play tens of thousands of songs, giving the listener the ability to listen to seemingly endless music without any rest, and without giving ears a chance to recover.

As any MBA worth his salt knows, two data points make a trend — thus, I lump this lawsuit in with the obesity suits plaguing McDonalds (for producing too many delicious fried foods). And, taking into consideration the solid to stellar performance of MCD and AAPL over the last two years, I am now recommending Long or Short readers take long positions in any company producing a product so good it could be considered dangerous by ambulance-chasers or the abdication-of-personal-responsibility crowd.

Recommendation: Long AAPL, MCD and all other such producers. This also dovetails with our earlier analysis of the Idiot Demographic.

Long or Short Capital’s fiscal quarter ended on 1/31/06, and the company reported their results in a press release on their site:

Mister Juggles: “We completed a watershed first Half to our 2006 Fiscal Year. Q2’06 was our best quarter ever, thanks to the genius of management and a compensation package which continues to be heavily weighted towards long dated options in the company’s non-existent stock. We have an ever increasing amount of skin in the game so you should trust us, subscribe your friends to our site and find ways to generate more free cash flow for us which will turn into dividends for you.

We feel great about our 2nd quarter and our 1st half, and we came in at the high end of our recent guidance. We are also proud to have delivered cash earnings per a subscriberholder of negative $0.48 an increase of some sort of imaginary number over last quarter’s EPS of $Div/0. We have taken a cash hit from working capital due to our 79% quarter over quarter revenue growth. In response, we have taken the steps of sourcing advertisements from vendors with more favorable payment terms. This should lead to an opportunity for w/c to be a substantial source of cash going forward. We also enjoyed a nearly 50% increase in subscribership from 60 to between 85-90, breaking 101 at points.

Our marketing spend increased by infinity% quarter over quarter, a steep rise. Our “Project Propeller” brought in roughly 350 visits at a cash cost of $100. We expect it to continue to generate 100 hits per a quarter for 5 years, so we are looking at a visitor acquisition cost (VAC) of under $0.10 on a discounted basis.

We have transferred successfully to our new WordPress 2.0 Content Delivery Platform. And more noticeably, we have altered our storefront from longorshot.blospot.com to our new longorshortcapital.com site which is strategically located between longorshortcapitak.com and longorshortcapitam.com.”

Unaudited Financial Results for Q2’06

Income Statement

Contextual CPC Revenue $116.37

Static Ad Revenue $66.91

RSS + Referral Revenue $12.02

Total Revenue $195.30

Cost of Sales $55.00

Marketing Expense $100.00

Operating Income $40.30

Balance Sheet

Cash $29.69

Accounts Receivable $132.64

Inventory $0.00

Prepaid Hosting $45.00

Accounts Payable $0

Cash Flow Statement

Operating Cash Flow ($42.52)

Capex $0.00

Distributions $X.00

Performance Metrics

Visits 7,639

Pageviews 11,093

Clicks on ads 175

Ad impressions served ~42,703

Subscribers by Email 30

Subscribers by XML 55

Inbound Links per Technorati 60

Inbound Links per Google ~16 sites

“Readers are to submit questions by email to misterjuggles or in the comments section below the post; if we get enough questions and of enough quality we will post a quarter end conference email/chat thing that will allow all of the sell-side analysts out there to fill out their models with the really important metrics like ARPU, maintenance capex spend and whiskeys per post. We will answer all questions provided they inspire humor. Our updated dividends will be announced later this week, as soon as tomorrow, if JD wakes from of his alcohol induced slumber.”

The Greatest Happiness is to scatter your enemy and drive him before you. To see his cities reduced to ashes. To see those who love him shrouded and in tears. And to gather to your bosom his wives and daughters.

-Genghis Khan