Archive for December, 2006

Quotes Entirely Relevant to Investing

There are many ways in which speculation may be unintelligent. Of these the foremost are: (1) speculating when you think you are investing; (2) speculating seriously instead of as a pastime, when you lack proper knowledge and skill for it; and (3) risking more money in speculation than you can afford to lose.

-Benjamin Graham

Past Quotes Entirely Relevant to Investing

Strategic Craps Multiplayer Will Increase Your Productivity

We loved Strategic Craps. World domination is fun and an important skill to develop for finance. But there is something lacking when you know the opponent you are mercilessly crushing is not alive. A fellow Strategic Craps fan created a solution by making Multiplayer Strategic Craps (which he erroneously branded “KDice”). We recommend spending your entire Friday sharpening the skills for which you are being highly compensated: grasp of probabilities, valuation analysis, strategic and tactical wizardy and most importantly, willingness to roll the dice.

More Pooplet Products Being Marketed: Kopi Luwak Coffee

Weird I didn't eat any Kopi Luwak beans last nightFollowing our research on Domino’s (NYSE: DPZ) attempt to market pooplets as a viable food offering, we discovered what may be an earlier product. Kopi Luwak coffee is created by a unique process outlined well in the article, The Straight Poop on Kopi Luwak Coffee:

Years ago I heard a rumor of a rare coffee that was collected from the droppings of a wild animal. For quite a while, having nothing to substantiate this I had dismissed this as either an urban legend, or something so rare I was unlikely to ever have access to it.

[What’s] this luwak critter? Known as the luwak, luak, musang, toddy cat, civet, palm civet and civet-cat, many people believe it is a wild cat. While it is a mammal it is actually a cousin of the mongoose. Probably it’s closest North American counterpart is the skunk with which it shares the ability to excrete a noxious odor from scent glands near it’s anus.

The animal can range from four to eleven pounds and is largely nocturnal. While it is an omnivore, the luwak is particularly fond of perfectly ripe coffee cherries. Thanks to coffee farmers, the luwak has no troubles finding plenty of coffee.

Once eaten, the coffee cherries take the normal route through the animal’s digestive path. The amazing thing is while the fruit of the coffee is being digested, the bean is left largely unchanged, eventually passing in the animals droppings.

The droppings and their caffeine-laden content are collected by farmers. The coffee is then cleaned and the green, un-roasted bean shipped to roasters.

From there, Kopi Luwak is peddled to the least discriminating, most easily manipulated and most drug addled consumer base in the world — American coffee consumers. Filtered dirt water is essentially a gateway product to consuming shitquids.

Recommendation: Which came first Domino’s delivery pooplets or coffee bean pooplets? We will leave that to the scientists and historians to judge, but what is clear is that there is a definitive secular trend towards the American consumer warming up to eating shit.

The OJ Simpson Corollary

OJ Simpson’s plan to retake “Biggest Psycho Murderer in Recent Memory” Intercontinental belt from Scott Peterson failed when his new book “If I did it” was canceled shortly before release by publisher News Corp (NYSE: NWS). The book idea apparently came to Simpson when he realized that he risked falling out of the public psyche. He began this project several years ago, when the book was tentatively entitled “I did it,” and wasn’t actually a book, but a short speech given in a confession booth.

When it came time to publish, the marketing team thought it would sell more copies if the audience was left in some suspense, kind of like when a movie trailers shows you 90% of the movie rather than 100% of the movie. However, amid controversy and protest from the family of OJ’s If-he-did-it victims, News Corp scrapped both the book and a two-part promotional interview on Fox. In an interview with the associated press, Rupert Murdoch, a principle of News Corp said, “I and senior management agree with the American public that this was an ill-considered project. We are sorry for any pain that this has caused the families of Ron Goldman and Nicole Brown Simpson.”

This book idea was in such bad taste, that the publisher scrapped it even though the project would likely have been profitable. Consider that for a minute. OJ Simpson so disliked that it is worth giving up money just so as not to be associated with him. Is it possible to create so much negative value…..that you can actually reverse the value flow?

This concept has led to our development of the Anti-Endorsement. Imagine how valuable it would be for Pepsi (NYSE: PBG) to have OJ Simpson endorse its competitor’s product.

I am OJ Simpson. You might know me for winning the Heisman, or for killing my ex-wife and her friend in a premeditated rage, or as Norberg from the classic comedy film The Naked Gun. I am here to let you know that my beverage of choice for whenever I am allegedly killing my ex-wife is Coke. That name is Coke. Coke is the drink for you. You can’t beat the real thing, but you can beat a murder rap if you are rich and famous. I murdered people. Thank you. Coke.

This concept can be applied in many such ways. Campbell’s Soup (NYSE: CPB) could pay Osama Bin Laden to publicly endorse rival Easy Mac.

Issue a Fatwah against inconveniece and less delicious Mac & Cheese products! EASY MAC! THE CLOCK IS TICKING!

Recommendation: More research is needed as we develop ways to play in what may be a systematically undervalued asset class. We also need to dig into questions regarding legality.

Short The Def Comedy Jam

Mark Curry aka Mr Cooper from Hanging with Mr CooperWe have all the reasonable basis we need provided to us by Def Comedy Jam’s trailing episode schedule. Look no further than episode 9:

October 29, 2006
Guest: Joe Clair, Jasper Redd and Mark Curry

Recommendation: The show has not been anything but stale since mid-90’s, languishing in the market, but the end must be near if Mark Curry appeared on it 15 years since he starred in Hanging with Mr Cooper. The catalyst for a full on crash in trading levels will be news of a Sinbad appearance.

Congratulations on Passing Taking the CFA Level I Exam

Saturday was the day of days, the culmination of hundreds of hours of learning esoteric, mostly useless crap that you will now ignore for the rest of your professional careers. The Level I CFA Exam took place around the world.

To 50% of you: consider another career path! You failed to obtain Part I of your financial merit badge triforce. But thanks for making my life easier, stock brokers.

To the girl with the lucky Hello Kitty pencil case: You were so unnerved at not being able to bring your case into the exam that you probably failed, thank you for being a moron and helping the curve.

To the 20% of you who were women: Enjoy a career of persistent ingrained sexual harassment and marginalization at the hands of men who have been taught by experience and by their mothers to never trust anything which bleeds once per month or anyone who doesn’t drink and have sex with chicks. Perhaps look for related sexual harassment arbitrage opportunities.

To all those who took the CFA: Congratulations on taking the C.F.A. and guaranteeing a career of superior investment performance!

This post was calculated in accordance with the Global Investment Performance Standards

Reader Mini-Baller Thankfulness

From the comments of our Things this Mini-baller is Thankful For report, came these strong late additions from “brown man in the struggle”:

the confidence boost from my 5th vodka soda

unforeseen upside

wearing t-shirts that say ‘brasil’ = being brazilian = desirability arbitrage

bonus season and the value of my bonus in 3rd world currency

Thanks, you people.

Quotes Entirely Relevant to Investing

The road to truth is long and paved the entire way with annoying bastards.

-Alexander Jablokov

Past Quotes Entirely Relevant to Investing

Domino’s Mutant Brooklyn Style Pizza

Domino’s has gotten attention for their release of their “Brooklyn Pizza,” roiling the the Late Night Drunk/Stoned snacks and meals market. The pie was made by reverse engineering a genuine Brookyln pizza, taking the knowledge gained from that process, and completely ignoring it. The chief Domino’s Korean geneticist then spliced the DNA from Domino’s thin crust with the DNA of their regular crust pizza to form a new hybrid pizza which possesses both “thin crust” and “regular” attributes. The resulting mutant attribute is mainly “mediocre.”

This type of immoral endeavor has been a hallmark of the company since it first adopted the Noid, a Nietzsche-visioned version of Satan as their mascot.

Ignoring the questions of morality (as we often do), there is also a question of whether this was just a ploy to distract the American consumer from remembering that the company tried to sell him pooplets.

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