Archive for the 'Mini-Baller' Category

The Khaki Letter

The Khaki LetterOlden times knew how to mark someone who literally fucked up. A big scarlet letter to shame them permanently. Olden times understood that it was appropriate to properly prioritize penalization over rehabilitation. They got that. Now, when people mess up in most walks of life, you basically have to apologize to them for it.

“I’m so sorry you went to Cornell and that you couldn’t get into Harvard, where I went. When I was at Harvard, I felt so guilty knowing that I had gotten into Harvard and all these other nice people hadn’t gotten into Harvard and were forced to attend lesser schools like Cornell or Dartmouth or Brown, schools that weren’t Havard, where I went for undergrad and then later for my MBA. God, that is so horrible, I hope you are able to find someone willing to hire you.”

But it doesn’t have to be like this. It’s time to roll out The Khaki Letter. The Khaki Letter is a mark of shame that should be applied to anyone who fucks up in finance, or other industries that can make a claim to being appropriate.

Embarass yourself professionally by sending out an email about how Chung is King that gets you fired? Khaki Letter
Shoddy analysis that gets your clients screwed? Khaki Letter
Pop one too many collars? Khaki Letter
Work for Moody’s? A Veritable Yacht Club of Khaki Letters

Recommendation: Long Shame.

How Inefficient Are Seals?

Where the walrus puts the sealThis report on seals has us further concerned about the prospects of the entire species.

After 45 minutes the seal gave up, swam into the water and then completely ignored the bird it had just assaulted, the scientists report.

Walruses are models of efficiency. Can you see a walrus ignoring a bird it assaulted? Or do you think he’d make sure the assault was properly finished and the bird either consumed or appropriately stored for later consumption at his Balrus pad?

But the scientists who photographed the event speculate that it was the behaviour of a frustrated, sexually inexperienced young male seal.

Again, a walrus is a model of efficiency. Can you see a walrus doing this, or more apt, a walrus not getting his balrussing on regardless of his experience level? When your species specializes in getting it done, there is never any frustration. There are also no excuses. This is the code they live by.

Recommendation: There is a reason that the movie Andre sucked, and it wasn’t due to the all-star human cast, or the incredible cinematography or the director who shares the same name of the director of Mad Max, but is not actually the director of Mad Max. Hell, you can’t even blame Maine (in this case). No, the problem with that movie was that it wasn’t called Rufus, and wasn’t centered around a walrus with the same name. That movie would have won critical acclaim and probably been so good that just having seen it would get you laid. Additionally, we can’t see seals being a credible species in the context of Global Squidding. Short the seal.

HT to girl

How to End It

So your fund is down double-digits, the first number is a 1 if you’re lucky, and you are one more -3% day away from getting a margin call from your friendly brokerage house which has it’s own balance sheet disaster because of its in-house, levered long ‘hedge’ fund. You’re starting to think it’s just not worth it anymore and that the easiest, quickest way out is just to end it.  Put yourself out of this misery and give your wife/kids/fellow mini-ballers the insurance check they deserve. But you have to ask yourself: Do you really want to go out the easy, painless way? You’ve lived your whole life as a flashy, jet-set, new money rock star and you should go out with similar flair. Our top ideas for how to end it with a flourish that says “I was here and I got IT done”:

  1. Tie a Bloomberg screen to your chest and fight a bull ’til the death. If the markets get worse it’ll see red and you’re toast; if we bounce then you’re saved and you could say you fought a bull with nothing but a Bloomberg terminal and won. HUZZAH! Plus there’s symbolism if you die by bull, I’m not sure what it symbolizes but it’s highly symbolic.
  2. Chain yourself and a woodpecker to your desk. Train the woodpecker to peck the sh-t out of you every time he hears the words “we’re selling off” from your trader. This is advantageous because woodpeckers can’t be prosecuted for murder in most states (IANAL).
  3. Put a gun in the ear piece of your phone. Then do an update call with a highly cyclical company that has consumer exposure and oil as a big cost (like I don’t know, an airline) and every time the retard IR guy tells you “we haven’t seen any weakening in demand yet” shoot yourself in the head. Extra points if you figure out how to get the gun connected to your wireless earpiece via Bluetooth.
  4. Make a list of all the shorts you pitched in the last year. For every one that is down more than 20% from where you pitched it pull out one hair (if you are bald – go pubic). When you run out of hair scream and jump out your window.
  5. Tell your mom if she calls you one more time and says “every time I read about the markets going down I think of you, are you doing ok?” that you are going to put an ice pick through your eye. Then buy an ice pick and wait for her to call you.
  6. Apply online for an associate job at an investment bank. Believe it or not this will kill you, guaranteed.

You Know You’re a Mini-baller…

…when you can’t remember what your base salary is but know that it’s just enough to cover your expenses.

Totally Rad Mini-baller Ski Lingo

A few mini-ballers went skiing over break and met some stoners in the gondola who taught them all some coloradical ski lingo. Of course the mini-ballers were enthralled with this new vocabulary and proceeded to overdose on the new found choices piece of diction. A brief guide in case you want to “make some convo” on the lift this year.

Shred the gnar – ski/ride in a totally sweet way. “Yo bra, we shredding the gnar today or what?” (can also use “shred the gnar-gnar” for additional emphasis on how much gnar you intend to shred)

Gnar-buckets (n.) – the receptacle for the gnar after you shred it. “Bra, I filled up like 6 gnar-buckets working my boards on that glade”

Hit the freshy pow-pow – Ski/ride in new-fallen snow. “Wake up kid, you looked outside yet? We’re gonna totally hit the freshy pow pow today!”

Sesh it up – definition unknown but if asked this the answer is always “yeah man”. “Did you sesh it up that time?” “Yeah man.”

Over-Under – a game skiers play whereby one skies under the other’s legs. “Dude over-under looks kinda gay but it’s actually pretty gnar”

Quotes Entirely Relevant to Investing 11-18-2007

“This guy came in, and I asked what he liked to do for fun. He said, ‘I really enjoy playing hoops.’ I said, ‘We can’t hire the guy. Everyone I knew in college who liked to play hoops was an idiot.'”
Max Levchin, co-founder of Paypal

Past Quotes Entirely Relevant to Investing

Looking for Someone Who Gets Things Done is looking for a “smart person who gets things done “. That’s how you get done getting other people to get it done. You ask for it.

Hat tip to reader Reg.

Money – Get it while it’s Hott

LoS has been bringing you sweet sounding jargon to throw around the office, the bar, the club, and the “common room” of your crowded city apartments. First we brought you “Get It Done” which has taken off worldwide with word of mouth success even we couldn’t have predicted. No doubt you’ve also noticed our excessive use of the word “money” but of course not as a noun, as an adjective. Nothing says “I have a lot of something” like whimsically changing its part of speech.

We aren’t the first grammatical hipsters to come up with the idea. It started back in the 80’s with “dope” which was originally a noun that meant “drugs”. Then people who were carefree abusers of drugs overused the word saying things like, “That is a dope car my man”. This showed that they were hip and nonchalant when discussing illegal substances and also implied that ‘drugs’ was a synonym for ‘cool’. Well at LoS we say no to dope-drugs but we say yes please to ca$h-money.

If you’re wondering how to smoothly start using ‘money’ as a modifier, we recommend you begin with clothing, something simple like “Those are money shoes my man”. Once you have the hang of it you will be pointing out money cab drivers, money overhead bins, and money Bloomberg functions. You should hurry though, it seems the UK government is already on the bandwagon with their new recruiting drive for “Money Doctors“.

Prior Art: The First Mini-Baller?

Do not do a Google Image search for his namePrince Albert, not to be confused with his cousin Fat, may have been a mini-baller before the concept was created. Was he the first?

From a history of Royal Albert Hall at British History Online:

One respect in which the hall as built was consonant with the Prince’s ideas was in its financing by private rather than public money…
In August 1864, while on the train to Norwich, he wrote to tell Grey what he had decided. ‘I have come to the conclusion that the only way to get the Memorial Hall done is to do it!’

1864 is now the earliest example we have of someone (knowingly) getting it done.

Hat Tip: Felix at Portfolio

Reader Email: Baller or Mini-Baller?

From reader “Butters” in the suicide capital of the world:

Jalen Rose of the Phoenix Suns recently commented on ESPN that without Amare Stoudemire they, “gotta find a way to get it done.” I immediately began to wonder: Is Rose a baller or a mini-baller? His command of the mini-baller language obviously indicates mini, but he does pull down 1.5MM a year and is by definition a basketBALLER.

Is there some forum where public figures can be judged on their mini-baller status? If not, albeit off-topic, I believe LoS’s market leadership in mini-baller affairs would make them a prime candidate to initiate such a forum. Make it happen.

We’ll proceed on a case by case basis. Jalen Rose is most definitely a baller, he can say “Get it done” because the man has done a lot of getting it done in his life. He probably got it done with 4 girls hotter than any you have ever seen simultaneous with his appearance on ESPN. Plus, as you point out, he is a basketBALLER on the grand stage of the NBA, so even if you stick to the epistemological roots of the term, he is a baller. This analysis cost you $4,999. Please send your check to the house to the right of, right next to

Citibank is the Mini-Baller Bank

Amongst all the deals that are fit to print, Deal Book reported yesterday that Citigroup (NYSE: C) has come out with a slogan that they hope can “Make it Happen” like the tagline of Royal Bank of Scotland (LSE: RBS) has made it happen (whatever “it” is). The slogan? A call to mini-ballers world around, “Let’s Get It Done”.

Cititgoup’s new tagline, “Let’s Get It Done”, could double as a rallying cry for the bank’s chief Charles O. Prince III.

Citigroup is expected to introduce the tagline and advertising campaign next Sunday in the company’s first global branding effort since it was formed nearly a decade ago.

The new tagline and campaign seems to be a call for action at a crucial time for the company and Mr. Prince.

Sounds familiar. Straight from Point 4 of How to be a Mini-Baller:

4. You say “get it done” all the time. You’re not sure what this means, but you know its important, and when you say it . . . you mean it.

This is a clear call to the mini-baller demographic:

Recommendation: The mini-baller portfolio now should have only two stocks in it. RBS and Citigroup. These companies make it happen and get it done, and that’s all mini-ballers need to hear to buy something.

Companies We Love: Rakuten Group

Long or Short, mini-ballers, and effective executives all love the phrase “Get It Done.” It conveys the crucial point of business across: results matter, so make things happen now. Naturally, we also love a company that embraces this phrase and philosophy as their number 1 motto. This is taken directly from the Rakuten Group (TSE: 4755) annual report.

Goal of Rakuten Group: To be the No. 1 Internet Service Company
The five concepts of success at Rakuten Group:

  • Get Things Done
  • Complete Professionalism
  • Hypothesize, Execute, Verify and Incorporate
  • Maximize Customer Satisfaction
  • Speed!! Speed!! Speed!!

Recommendation: Initiate a long position in Rakuten in the expectation that they Get Things Done with Speed!! Speed!! Speed!!

Buy Your GF Flowers Now. Get It Done.

Seriously it’s getting ridiculous. Valentine’s Day is less than two weeks away. Do you want to die alone? No? Then hedge your flower exposure immediately.

If you fail to get these flowers, and your gf breaks up with you, you can no longer cheat on her with your mistress. And if your girlfriend AND your mistress dump you, you won’t be able to cheat on them with the eastern european escorts your firm supplies you with. Think about that. Get it done.

How to Get it Done – In the Afterlife

Well, Ash Wednesday is coming up so I’m thinking about how some day I’m going to die, and so are you. I thought I should look into some posthumous procedures in order to make sure that I leave this world the same way I’ve lived in it: as a mini-baller. You can imagine my excitement when I found Celestis. Celestis will burn your flesh and bones into a dusty paste and then put it in a vial, tape you to the side of a rocket and shoot you into deep space.

You might think it’s pricey, but you’re wrong. The cost is only $495. Now naturally as a mini-baller I was hoping to pay more and luckily, there’s a premium product. For an extra $800, Celestis will actually put you in orbit around the earth for eternity. Better, closer, warmer. . . but still on the cheap side for my last huzzah. After some reflection I decided I would prefer that the earth orbit me. I sent them an email for an estimate and will report back.

Side-Note: Through a proprietary and patented process we call due-dili, Long or Short has discovered the reason that NASA has a $17bn budget, a staff full of “rocket scientists” and still can’t make a plane that won’t shed ‘suitcase sized debris’ every time it takes off. It’s all a scam. That’s not debris, it’s the dead, and NASA is KILLING IT by taking them to space, or sometimes just really high off the ground.

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